Bring Me A Watermelon!
by Sorceress Blade
Summary: Go on and r/r it! I dare you!


Bring Me a Watermelon!

By Sorceress Blade

A/n: This would be a response to Eaglewing's challenge, except it's late. It contains bashing of all kinds, and has nothing to do with the title. Bring Me a Watermelon isn't anywhere in the story. 

Disclaimer: No, they're not mine. 

"SQUALL! SQUALLY POO! WHERE'S MY SQUALLY POO? WHERE IS HE? COME HERE SQUALLY! COME HERE!"

Quistis leaned around her dormitory door and looked at the source of the noise. Rinoa was standing outside Squall's dorm, knocking and screaming and jumping up and down. Quistis continued to stare at this form of idiocy.

"Squally? Squally, are you there? SQUALLYYYYYYYYYY!"

"Ahem."

Rinoa stomped and turned to look at Quistis. 

"What?"

Quistis stepped out of her dorm room and knocked on Squall's door professionally as she said, "Squall? It's Quistis, may I please come in?"

When Squall didn't answer, Quistis turned back around to look at Rinoa. Rinoa shrugged and asked, "Any more bright ideas?"

"Maybe he's sleeping or something."

"Or maybe he locked himself in his closet again."

They stood blinking at each other, remembering the pain and agony that had caused everyone… not to mention how embarrassing it was. I mean, the commander? Locking himself in his own closet? Well, at least the SWAT team was okay about it, for the most part…

Quistis spun around and began banging at the door furiously. Rinoa ran behind her and tugged on the doorknob. 

"WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE SQUALL!!"

"OPEN THIS DOOR!"

Rinoa stopped tugging suddenly and stepped back, as Quistis kept jumping up and down banging. She tapped Quisty on the shoulder. She turned around to see Rinoa with an evil smile on her face. Ah, yes, the evil 'we love you' song that Sorceress Blade's evil friends taught them on their visit to Balamb Garden. They knew that it was painful to most people's ears. The girls cleared their throats and began to sing.

"WE LOVE YOU SQUALLY, OH YES WE DO! WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE! WE LOVE YOU SQUALLY, OH YES WE DO! OH SQUALLY, WE LOVE YOU!"

There was no reaction from the inside of the dorm, but the door creaked open. 

"Hey, Rinoa, why didn't we think of that?"

"Why didn't we think of what?"

"The door wasn't locked. We should've just opened it."

"Oh."

The two stared at the open door for a few seconds, then walked in to find…

DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… 

NOTHING! 

Squall wasn't ANYWHERE in his dorm room! HE WAS GONE!

"Yes, I saw him. Tall, dark, and… not handsome?" Irvine asked. Rinoa glanced over at Quistis who looked back at her. Not handsome? What was this, a talk-crap-about-Squall-a-thon?

"Excuse me, Irvine, but I'm his girlfriend."

"GOOD! I have something to tell him. Can you repeat it to him for me?"

Rinoa nodded.

"Someone whose advice Squall needs desperately: a stylist."

Rinoa scowled and stomped out of Irvine's "office", which happened to be the abandoned boys restroom. This reminded her of Fonzie from Happy Days. Scary, no? As she was leaving she turned around and flipped the bird at Irvine. Quistis ran out after her, only to be stopped by Irvine. 

"LADIES! WAIT!"

Quistis turned around again and sighed, "What now, Irvine?"

"I have something that you want."

Quistis studied him for a minute then yelled, "RINOA! COME BACK! IT'S IMPORTANT!"

Rinoa turned around and slowly walked back. 

"Now, ladies," Irvine started enticingly, "I believe you will find some interest in this note Squall left behind…" 

"Give it to us Irvine," Quistis shot at him. 

"Well, you'll have to do me a favor."

Quistis got closer to Rinoa and whispered, "Three, two one…"

::blink::

Irvine had been tied to a sink with Quisty's spare whip and Rinoa was holding her shooty thingy to his throat. 

"Excellent work, Rinoa."

"Aw, it was your idea Quisty."

"HEY! YOU OWE ME A FAVOR!"

Rinoa flipped her hair around to look at him and said, "We just did you one!"

The two snickered and ran away. 

Well, then they ran right back to get the note. 

"I can't believe you forgot the note."

"Shut up."

The duo opened it up, and to their surprise…

IT WAS A RANSOM NOTE!!!!!!

DUH, DUH, DUHHHHHHHHHHH!

It read:

If you want to see your Squall again, bring two hundred billion dollars (and fifty cents) to the Esthar forest at exactly one p.m. tomorrow. Do not attempt to tell on me, as I know where you live. That would also be tattling, and I would have the rights to point at you as I call you a tattletale. 

Sincerely, 

Laguna Loire

Quistis and Rinoa turned to each other and blinked. 

"What kind of idiot leaves their signature on a ransom note?"

"Laguna Loire."

 Rinoa and Quistis looked at each other and shook their heads in pity at the man's stupidity. 

"Well, you know what this means," Quistis said to Rinoa. 

"No, actually I don't."

Quistis blinked and said, "When I say that you're supposed to say 'yes'"

"Well, what if I don't know what it means?"

Quistis rolled her eyes and explained, "It means we have to go save our commander."

"MY SQUALLY!!!!!!!" Rinoa screamed into Quistis's ear. Quistis cringed. 

"Right, well, first we need some high tech weapons and stuff."

"Why?"

"Because it looks cool."

With that, Rinoa and Quistis went off down in the direction of the finest weapon shop in Balamb…

"Selphie's Artillery Hut?"

"Hey, no complaints. This was the first place I could find."

The two walked into the bright pink weapon shop and the owner pounced on them. 

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Rinoa and Quistis jumped back and screamed, "AHHH."

"Helloladies, howareyoutoday? Imselphietheownerofthisfinestore, pleasecomein."

Selphie stepped back as the two girls stepped forward cautiously, for fear that they would catch whatever Selphie had.

"Whatdoyouwanttoday, IhavercpninetyssniperslasersgrenadesandofcoursegunsGunsGUNS!"

Rinoa bit her nails as Quistis said calmly, "Well, Rinoa and I were looking for some high powered weapons, with a lot of ammunition…"

"Ah, well…" Selphie said, calming down quite a bit… and then chugging a Pepsi Twist. She continued, "The RCP-90. It's quite a beauty."

Rinoa looked at the shiny weapon and said, "PERFECT! WE'LL TAKE FOUR!"

Quistis pushed Rinoa aside and said, "How much ammo does this thing have?"

"Quisty…" Rinoa whined, "Don't ask questions… just get it. IT'S SHINY!"

Selphie ran behind the counter as Quisty handed her the gil. She carefully counted out Quistis's change, and then began to ask the many stupid questions cashiers like to ask to be annoying, "Would you like to purchase some cleaner for only fifty gil more?"

"No, thank you."  
"Would you like these gift wrapped?"

"Uh… no."

Selphie handed her the bag and said, "Would you like whipped cream with that?"

Quistis raised an eyebrow at this and answered, "Um, uh, no. No thanks. This is all for today."

She grabbed Rinoa's hand and led her out of Selphie's Artillery Hut as fast as her black booted feet could carry her. 

"Wow, that was really scary."  
"It should be called Selphie's Artillery House of Horrors."

Quistis whipped out two of the guns and said, "Now let's get to Esthar. The Ragnarok is parked right outside."

The duo ran outside of Balamb Garden and soon came across the massive ship. Rinoa stared at it with little hearts in her eyes and said, "It's so big… and red… and SHINY! QUISTY! QUISTY! CAN I DRIVE IT?"

Quistis blinked at her and said, "I will do that the day Zell and Rajin make out passionately on a cafeteria table."

Rinoa blinked and then said, "So, once I tell Rajin Zell isn't seeing anyone-"

"COME ON!" Quistis said, as she dragged Rinoa into the ship. 

Two minutes later…

"Look, Rinoa! There it is! ESTHAR!"

Rinoa looked out of the window and screamed, "QUISTY! WE'VE FOUND THE MOTHERLOAD!!!!!! LOOK AT THIS BIG SHINY CITY!!!!!!"

Quistis nodded and drove past it. 

"Quisty… Quisty… HEY QUISTY WAIT! WE'RE PASSING IT UP!"

Quistis nodded and said, "The forest, Rinoa. The forest."

Rinoa nodded and shook some spare brain cells around in her head. This was causing her to say, "Hey, Quistis."

"Yes, Rinoa?"

"I just wanted to point out that Laguna would probably send someone else to get the money."

Quistis sat, stunned, "ARE YOU KIDDING? This is LAGUNA we're talking about."

"But you know Kiros does all of Laguna's dirty work, Quisty."

"Ah, a wise idea, Rinoa."  
"Thank you so much."

They put the ship in reverse and sped back to the city. Meanwhile, Kiros was strolling along in the forest, whistling a Jewel song. He looked around and checked his watch, then continued to sing Pieces of You. 

Quistis and Rinoa ran up to the Presidential Palace. Standing outside it, playing watchdog was Ward. Quistis and Rinoa turned and raised an eyebrow at this. They casually walked up to Ward. 

"Hi Ward," Rinoa said cheerfully.

Ward looked up and waved. 

Quistis smiled and said, "Say Ward, you wouldn't want one of these cookies I baked would you?"

Ward's eyes shot up at the cookies Quistis was holding. 

Rinoa walked around and said convincingly, "They're really good."

She held one up to his nose and said, "Mmm, smells great."

Quistis waved one in front of his face as Rinoa picked at her cookie, "Tell you what. I'll make you a deal. You let us in the palace, and I'll give you one."

Ward glanced around to make sure no one was watching, and then nodded. Quistis smiled and dropped a cookie into Ward's open hand. 

"Here you go."

"Thank you so much!"

The two girls laughed as they strolled in the building. 

Kiros sat against a tree and was wailing, "WHO WILL SAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR SOULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSS????"

"Hand over Squall, Laguna!"

Laguna spun around and said, "Huh? Who's there?"

Rinoa stood in front of him and said, "Who else?"

"Rinoa! But-"

"I'M SAILOR QUISTIS! AND IN THE NAME OF BALAMB GARDEN, I SHALL PUNISH YOU!"

Everyone stopped and looked at Quistis, who was dressed up in a schoolgirl outfit, ready to kick some butt. 

"Uh, sorry. Caught in the moment."

Laguna continued, "How'd you sneak past the guard?"

"Bribed him with a cookie."

Squall leaned over from where he was tied up, suddenly interested, and said, "You have cookies?"

Laguna said, "Hey, wait a minute, that's not fair! You were supposed to be at the forest!"

Quistis said, "A lot of things aren't fair, but that doesn't matter right now because we're about to make you into Swiss cheese!"

Rinoa and Quistis whipped out the RCP-90s, and began to open fire at Laguna. Laguna somehow dodged the few bullets that Quistis and Rinoa had in their RCP-90s. After the last bullet was shot off at him, he pointed at them and said, "HA! YOU MISSED ME, YOU MISSED ME, NOW YOU GOTTA KISS ME!"

Rinoa, disgusted, commented, "Laguna, I hate you."

Quistis sprang up, like when people get great ideas. She walked over to Rinoa and whispered something in her ear. Ten seconds later, that annoying "We Love You" song was up and running. 

"WE HATE YOU LAGUNA, OH YES WE DO! WHEN YOU'RE AROUND US, WE SPEW! WE HATE YOU LAGUNA, OH YES WE DO! OH LAGUNA, WE HATE YOU!"

Laguna stepped back and said, "No… NO! THE HORROR! OH, THE PAIN!"

Then he fainted and a bunch of Estharian guards ran in and cuffed him. 

"Well, thanks for saving the day girls."

"No problem," Quistis said, standing up straight. 

"It was nothing," Rinoa said, untying Squall. The guards smiled and began to take Laguna away. A little tag hung out from behind his head… hey, wait a minute.

"HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!" Quistis shouted. The guards brought him back. Quistis walked up to him and ripped off his face saying, "That's not Laguna!"

The Laguna mask was ripped off to reveal…

"That's Laguna in a mask! Hey, wait a minute! Is that right?"

Everyone paused for a minute to admire this man's stupidity, and then moved on. 

"Ya, and I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids and your stupid song."

"Take him away boys."

Well, to cut a long story short, Rinoa and Quistis went back to Balamb, and forgot Squall, so they had to drive back again. They also brought Ward back because they thought he was cool. Then, they returned to Balamb Garden, where a huge party was held. Squall actually attended, and the night was spectacular. Rinoa never got to drive the Ragnarok; Irvine was still chained to the sink in the boy's room, Selphie ran out of Pepsi Twist and was sane for one whole day, and Kiros to this day is still in the forest singing You Were Meant For Me. 

THE END


End file.
